We talked to Elong Musk the other day because our friend Billy brought him over. You could tell he was really serious because he kept taking stuff apart to make sure there were no listening devices inside.
You can check out his interview on the Celebrity Endorsements page. He still owes us $5 but every time we call SpaceX they say to please stop calling.
We’re Patriots Now!
The gays were a let down. We were being heroic in the face of the zeitgeist, and letting them know that we support them. That’s right- we uploaded a rainbow on our website. But guess what? They didn’t even do the bare minimum and buy at least $100 worth of products from The Meth Emporium.
Now we’re pro patriots. For the 4th of July, we hope you guys buy all the guns you want and shoot them at bald eagles if you want, because that’s your God-given right.
Don’t let the liberals tell you that guns can shoot people, or to stop pointing guns at your friends as a joke, they’re idiots.
Anyways, now that you know we’re patriotic, feel free to give us all the money you can.
Have a good day, Americans.
PS. The Gays are still welcome to give us their money too.
We’re Disappointed, Gays.
We did everything we needed to do. We colored our website rainbow, we made a statement about it. Then what do you do?
You refuse to give us enough money. We expected more from you, gays. We changed the website rainbow so you would give us your money, and you didn’t. You did the opposite of that.
You don’t even have kids, unless you adopt or steal them. So what are you spending your money on, then? Meth related merch should be your top priority, understand?
We’re taking down our rainbow because June has ended and so we don’t have to care about you for another year. But you better remember how we selflessly rainbowed our website and buy our merch to reward us for our heroic efforts!
Showing the Bride Who’s Boss: AWedding Guide
So you’re invited to a wedding- great! But there’s one problem: The bride doesn’t know her place. She thinks she deserves the limelight just because this is her wedding. Why does she think she’s better than you? Because she hasn’t had any jailtime? She doesn’t even realize that risk = reward. She’s just living a stupid dumb idiot life.
Anyways, this is how to show her who’s boss, for once and for all.
The best part is that if you buy from Amazon, the WMO gets money. Money is really important and we need it for a bunch of good reasons. Give us money today. Now.
Your mom says she looks like a ‘princess’? Yeah right. Wear 16 of these genuine rhinestone tiaras at the same time to let her know that even your left arm (which has three tiaras) is more royal than her. Just because she came from money and hasn’t lost all of her inheritance in a tragic meth-related venture gone wrong doesn’t mean she’s better than you.
I can have a wedding ring too! See that 925? That’s 925 carats. Way more than her stupid 1.5 carat idiot ring.
They’re going to have a hard time complimenting her when they can’t even stand the smell of her! Now you buy this wet poop smell and throw it on her when she’s not looking. can be the hero when you say ‘I’ll clean you up’ and douse her in water.
This men’s wedding dress will show that bride who’s boss. She thinks she can just walk in and be top dog? Not a fucking chance. I’m the alpha now.
Swap the engagement ring with this hilarious prank! They’ll be laughing so hard they won’t notice you pawning off the real ring.
Let her know that America’s birthday is way more important than the celebration of her love with this shirt. If anyone asks you why you’re wearing this to a wedding, just say ‘Is this wedding more important than America?’
Checkmate, terrorists.
We’re not saying you should *do* anything with this giant sledgehammer. Just carry it around with you. She’ll get the message.
The World Meteorological Organization is Incredibly Problematic
It’s just come to my attention that the World Meteorological Organization has STOLEN OUR ACRONYM
These nerds think they can waltz right in and steal our letters? I have news for you guys. Nobody cares about meteors. I’ve heard some really smart people say that space doesn’t even exist, so where’s all our money going??
See this logo? They ripped it straight from our logo. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer. He’s not really a lawyer he’s my neighbor but he’s a genius and knows more about laws than any of those dumb law idiots anyways.
If you’re so good at your job, why haven’t you found any aliens yet? They talk to me all the time, yet it seems you’re too busy taking all my hard earned tax dollars and blowing it on fucking meter parties with hookers dressed up like fucking space rocks.
How about you shut the fuck up with your dumb colored space maps. Nobody knows how to read them anyway. Change your name to Nerd Astronomy Science Assholes (Or NASA for short)
EVERYTHING IS RAINBOW FOR PRIDE MONTH!
Other corporations make things rainbow so the gays give them money. We want money too.
We don’t care about your skin color, gender identity or what horses you’re in to. As long as you purchase a t-shirt and mug at the Meth Emporium.